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1-888-756-0616
Understanding resistance is an important part of recognizing the strength and courage of those who have experienced abuse.
When people experience abuse, they often take many steps to oppose it and protect their dignity and self-respect. This is called resistance. Resistance can include refusing to do what the perpetrator demands, standing up against mistreatment, and finding ways to stop or prevent violence, disrespect, or oppression. Even imagining a better life can be a form of resistance.
A common misconception is that victims passively accept violence or lack self-esteem and assertiveness. This stereotype is harmful and incorrect, as victims actively resist abuse in countless ways, even when that resistance is not visible to others.
Because abuse can be extremely dangerous, victims often resist in ways that are subtle and not immediately visible. This leads others to assume victims are passive or not doing enough to help themselves. In reality, passive victimhood does not exist.
For example, a woman may resist her partner’s abuse by leaving the house. Knowing this, some abusers will hide shoes, money, bank cards, or car keys, or disconnect the phone to prevent her from calling for help.
The fact that perpetrators actively work to prevent resistance reveals that abuse is a deliberate choice. Perpetrators make calculated decisions about how and when to be abusive. For example, someone may believe it is wrong to hit a partner but will still push, grab, or verbally abuse them.
While some suggest that abusive behaviour stems from a perpetrator’s own childhood trauma or mental health struggles, this thinking can unintentionally excuse perpetrators from taking responsibility for their actions. In our experience working with perpetrators, they are in control of their behaviour and can choose at any point to change and act respectfully toward others.
Helping victims reflect on what they did to oppose mistreatment can be deeply empowering. Many women have responded by saying things like “I knew I was not weak” and “I feel more capable now to deal with difficult situations.” For some, examining their resistance has helped them work through feelings of being damaged or somehow responsible for the abuse they experienced.
Take a look at the publication Honouring Resistance: How Women Resist Abuse in Intimate Relationships for further reading on this topic.
Acknowledgements: Haven Society would like to thank the Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter for the information found on this page.